Feeling Guilty

Whenever the phone rings and I see that the call is coming from my kids' school, my heart skips a beat.

Ryan had two weeks to work on a project.  He had to read a book about a famous African-American, complete a worksheet that listed facts and information, and place the worksheet on a poster board with some pictures.  Phil and Ryan spent 45 minutes at the library choosing a book and spent numerous days reading it together, chapter by chapter.  Ryan listened intently as Phil explained what some of the words meant and together they summarized each page that they read.  Ryan asked questions and made comments and we were happy that he seemed to enjoy this project that he originally complained about.  On Sunday we placed everything on the poster board, including a picture of him holding the book, and a picture of the person the book was about.

Ryan with the book he chose for his project.

I was even able to coax him to spend a little extra time to add some creativity to it.  He was so proud of his finished product and we were proud of him for spending so much time on it, and completing it several days earlier than the due date.  He brought it over to our neighbor to show her and when he brought it into school on Monday morning he showed the bus driver before sitting down in a seat.  He was beaming!

Until today.  I just received a call from the Assistant Principal.  He stated that Ryan would be spending the rest of the afternoon in his office completing his work.  He explained that a girl in the class commented to him about the size of his poster being smaller than others.  And Ryan, acting on impulse because he has difficulty channeling his feelings, especially when his feelings are hurt, responded that he wanted to stab her in the throat and cut her head off.

As soon as I hung up with the Assistant Principal I broke down into tears.  I feel so terrible for him.  While what he said was inappropriate, I can't imagine how he must have felt to have said it in the first place.  And it is my fault that his poster was smaller than it could have been.  The rubric from the teacher did not state a size requirement or limitation.  Knowing that he was taking it on the bus I suggested the smaller size of poster board to Phil when he called me from CVS to tell me that there were two different sizes available.  I didn't want to set Ryan off into a bad mood for the day if he had difficulty lugging around a cumbersome poster board.  Now I feel guilty that my decision has caused him pain and my heart breaks for him.  I can only imagine the crying and yelling that will ensue when he comes this afternoon as he shares his frustrations that we bought him a small poster board.

My poor boy!  This will not be the last time he is ridiculed.  He has a rough road ahead of him as he struggles to handle social situations appropriately.  I wish I knew how to help him overcome these difficulties!

DC

Keep Smiling!

Ryan is acting up.  It began on Friday when he got off of the bus and the driver said that he hit another boy and the principal had to be called onto the bus to take care of the situation before the bus could leave the school parking lot.  Apparently he was climbing on a seat and the bus driver told him to sit down and Ryan lost it.  He doesn't like to be told what to do and couldn't control his emotions.  This incident started a weekend full of protests from him causing him to whine, yell, and scream at us whenever he was asked to do something or given a directive.  Completing homework was a disaster.  There were also several meltdowns and crying fits when he couldn't do something he wanted to do.  His worst crying session came about after he tried to build something with his Legos and it wouldn't stay together properly because one section had too many pieces on it and weighed that section down.  He screamed at us each time it broke off. Phil attempted numerous times to help him redesign that section but he refused to let him help.  

There were a couple of positive moments that shined through this gloomy weekend that was mostly a set back for Ryan.  They happened Saturday afternoon.  We had family visiting for a few hours to meet Emma, and Ryan played a board game with a couple of my cousins.  He loved playing with the big kids and had a ball.  He was not a sore loser, and didn't get annoyed when Jack kept interrupting the game.  Then when they left he went to his last soccer game.  He played goalie for the first quarter of the game.  He has never played goalie during a game before.  Since he is afraid of the ball it worries us that he will not be able to block any of the shots and then get really upset with himself.  But Phil said he did great!  He blocked about 4 or 5 shots and the other team did not score against them while he was in goal.  He was very excited when he returned home, both about being goalie and that they won their last game.  

I'm not sure where this erratic behavior is coming from.  He goes from being really sweet and happy to angry and resentful.  Maybe he is looking for attention now that Emma is here.  But at the same time Ryan is loving having Emma around.  Even after 45 minutes of homework hardship completing a worksheet that should have taken him 10 minutes max, he grabbed a book and went and read it to Emma tonight.  He really does adore her.  It is Phil and I that he is not happy with right now.  He is testing us to see what he can get away with.  We were caught off guard with this sudden change in behavior after him having two great months, and we're losing our patience.  We have to rethink our strategies and find some new tricks that will work with him.  We just have to.  Especially now with four children.  

Tonight was not pretty.  Homework, dinner, 2 hours of Irish Dance class, cleaning up a room full of toys spewed all over the floor, preparing lunches for tomorrow, and all four kids needing baths/showers.  We got it done, but I'll say it again, it was not pretty.  There was a lot of screaming, crying, and impatient behavior, sadly mostly on my part.  But we got it done.  We got it done.  Here's hoping that it just gets easier from here and we can learn from our mistakes and move forward to do better next time.  And maybe we (mostly me) need to let go a little.  It's okay if we don't get it all done every day.  In the end it is these smiling faces that matter the most!

DC

Day 65

Happy Father's Day to my wonderful husband Phil.  Without him I wouldn't be able to do half of the things I do.  He gives me strength and support and there isn't anything he wouldn't do for our children.  He's wearing the handprint shirt that the kids and I made him last week.

I feel bad that his Father's Day was a bit stressful.  Ryan had another awful day.  He handled the morning fairly well.  We took the kids to see Toy Story 3 and they loved it.  But then the rest of the day was like a roller coaster ride.  His behavior was erratic, unpredictable, violent, and contagious- Julia's behavior mimicked his, making for a tough day for us (and our company).  And we have the hole in our wall to prove it!

I don't think he ate something yesterday or today that he isn't supposed to have.  I'm not sure where this change is coming from.  I fear that his body has built up a tolerance and has become so accustomed to the GFCF food and supplements that their effect has worn off.  I'm crazed thinking that this is the case. 

What made these past two days even worse for me is knowing that we haven't seen this kind of behavior since before the diet started 65 days ago.  We were beginning to forget how bad it used to be, and the past two days has brought back all of those memories.  I can't go back to that time, especially with the summer coming up; I can't be home alone all day with him acting like this.  I will go insane.  I'm at a loss.  I don't know what to change or adjust at this point because I have no clue at all as to what may be causing these mood swings.  I guess we'll have to wait it out a couple of days and see if this passes.  He doesn't go back to Dr. Bock until the first week in July so for now we will have to figure this out on our own and just be as patient as we possibly can.

DC

Day 19

Ryan had a bad day. One of his teachers called me to tell me that he had several meltdowns and he was acting differently than he has been the last two weeks. She said he was whiny and cried because he finished his snack and wanted more. We haven't given him anything new in the past 24 hours so I'm not sure why this happened. He flipped out on the car ride home because Phil had to stop for gas and he wouldn't let Ryan get out of the car. He then cried even harder when Phil drove a different way home due to his detour to the gas station. The only thing I can think of is that he deviated slightly from the diet the day before when he grabbed Julia's bag of pretzels instead of his own. He had 2 or 3 mini pretzels before we stopped him. Note to self...we need to come up with a color code system or something similar so that he doesn't accidentally eat someone else's food. At home we can just switch Julia over to some of the GF snacks (although she is not taking a liking to them the way Ryan has). But at school he's going to have other kids' food around him all of the time. Who knows... maybe he snuck more non-GFCG food that we don't know about.

On a positive note, he took his dose of cod liver oil much better last night. We mixed one part oil with one part water. This helped to dilute it and not be so oily. We then gave it to him in two different syringe sessions. This is the first day that he hasn't spite some of it out. I don't know if it is because he is getting used to the taste or because we diluted it, but I'm going to keep diluting it in the future!

Off to Dr. Bock tomorrow morning! Our November 8th appointment got moved up to this week...Miracle! Dr. Bock is a specialist, a DAN! (Defeat Autism Now!) doctor.

DC