Feeling Guilty

Whenever the phone rings and I see that the call is coming from my kids' school, my heart skips a beat.

Ryan had two weeks to work on a project.  He had to read a book about a famous African-American, complete a worksheet that listed facts and information, and place the worksheet on a poster board with some pictures.  Phil and Ryan spent 45 minutes at the library choosing a book and spent numerous days reading it together, chapter by chapter.  Ryan listened intently as Phil explained what some of the words meant and together they summarized each page that they read.  Ryan asked questions and made comments and we were happy that he seemed to enjoy this project that he originally complained about.  On Sunday we placed everything on the poster board, including a picture of him holding the book, and a picture of the person the book was about.

Ryan with the book he chose for his project.

I was even able to coax him to spend a little extra time to add some creativity to it.  He was so proud of his finished product and we were proud of him for spending so much time on it, and completing it several days earlier than the due date.  He brought it over to our neighbor to show her and when he brought it into school on Monday morning he showed the bus driver before sitting down in a seat.  He was beaming!

Until today.  I just received a call from the Assistant Principal.  He stated that Ryan would be spending the rest of the afternoon in his office completing his work.  He explained that a girl in the class commented to him about the size of his poster being smaller than others.  And Ryan, acting on impulse because he has difficulty channeling his feelings, especially when his feelings are hurt, responded that he wanted to stab her in the throat and cut her head off.

As soon as I hung up with the Assistant Principal I broke down into tears.  I feel so terrible for him.  While what he said was inappropriate, I can't imagine how he must have felt to have said it in the first place.  And it is my fault that his poster was smaller than it could have been.  The rubric from the teacher did not state a size requirement or limitation.  Knowing that he was taking it on the bus I suggested the smaller size of poster board to Phil when he called me from CVS to tell me that there were two different sizes available.  I didn't want to set Ryan off into a bad mood for the day if he had difficulty lugging around a cumbersome poster board.  Now I feel guilty that my decision has caused him pain and my heart breaks for him.  I can only imagine the crying and yelling that will ensue when he comes this afternoon as he shares his frustrations that we bought him a small poster board.

My poor boy!  This will not be the last time he is ridiculed.  He has a rough road ahead of him as he struggles to handle social situations appropriately.  I wish I knew how to help him overcome these difficulties!

DC