Feeling Guilty

Whenever the phone rings and I see that the call is coming from my kids' school, my heart skips a beat.

Ryan had two weeks to work on a project.  He had to read a book about a famous African-American, complete a worksheet that listed facts and information, and place the worksheet on a poster board with some pictures.  Phil and Ryan spent 45 minutes at the library choosing a book and spent numerous days reading it together, chapter by chapter.  Ryan listened intently as Phil explained what some of the words meant and together they summarized each page that they read.  Ryan asked questions and made comments and we were happy that he seemed to enjoy this project that he originally complained about.  On Sunday we placed everything on the poster board, including a picture of him holding the book, and a picture of the person the book was about.

Ryan with the book he chose for his project.

I was even able to coax him to spend a little extra time to add some creativity to it.  He was so proud of his finished product and we were proud of him for spending so much time on it, and completing it several days earlier than the due date.  He brought it over to our neighbor to show her and when he brought it into school on Monday morning he showed the bus driver before sitting down in a seat.  He was beaming!

Until today.  I just received a call from the Assistant Principal.  He stated that Ryan would be spending the rest of the afternoon in his office completing his work.  He explained that a girl in the class commented to him about the size of his poster being smaller than others.  And Ryan, acting on impulse because he has difficulty channeling his feelings, especially when his feelings are hurt, responded that he wanted to stab her in the throat and cut her head off.

As soon as I hung up with the Assistant Principal I broke down into tears.  I feel so terrible for him.  While what he said was inappropriate, I can't imagine how he must have felt to have said it in the first place.  And it is my fault that his poster was smaller than it could have been.  The rubric from the teacher did not state a size requirement or limitation.  Knowing that he was taking it on the bus I suggested the smaller size of poster board to Phil when he called me from CVS to tell me that there were two different sizes available.  I didn't want to set Ryan off into a bad mood for the day if he had difficulty lugging around a cumbersome poster board.  Now I feel guilty that my decision has caused him pain and my heart breaks for him.  I can only imagine the crying and yelling that will ensue when he comes this afternoon as he shares his frustrations that we bought him a small poster board.

My poor boy!  This will not be the last time he is ridiculed.  He has a rough road ahead of him as he struggles to handle social situations appropriately.  I wish I knew how to help him overcome these difficulties!

DC

R.I.P.

RIP.  Rest in Peace.  We all say it to offer condolences when speaking about the departed.  But what does it really mean?  How do you rest in peace?  I think we say it, think it, and hope it because we want to make ourselves feel better about the loss of life.  We may see someone we love suffering and when they die we hope that they are at peace.  But how can that be?  How does one make peace with leaving their loved ones behind?

I will be 40 next year and I think about the "what ifs" of leaving behind my four children.  I can't even think it without tears welling up in my eyes.  I can't imagine ever feeling at peace knowing that I will not be with them to guide them and watch them grow.  I can't imagine not being in their young lives. Who will continue caring for them the way I do?  And the thought of Jack and Emma being too young to even remember me years down the road just tears me to pieces.  Pieces!  Instead of Rest in Peace, we should say Rest in "Piece".  Because that is what we do.  We leave a piece of our heart and soul with our children and loved ones, and when someone you love dies, you are never the same.  They take a piece of your heart and soul as well.

On Friday morning a friend of mine passed away after a 10 month long battle with cancer.  Today was her funeral.  She was only 40 years old and left behind three children.   How was she at peace calculating the birthdays, graduations, weddings, and grandchildren that she would never experience?  How was she at peace knowing that her parents outlived her and she will not be there to help care for them in their old age and time of need?  How was she at peace leaving her 24 year old son to pick up the pieces when she was gone?  How was she at peace leaving her 14 year old son as he enters high school and has his entire future ahead of him?  How was she at peace leaving a 4 year old daughter in the hands of someone else, knowing that she will grow up not remembering her mother or the few memories that they were able to make together?

My friend sacrificed so much to provide for these children and her life was not an easy or glamorous one.  The diagnosis turned her life upside down and her time with her family was cut short way too soon.  She was a good woman and didn't deserve the pain she went through the past ten months.  And like so many of our loved ones who pass much earlier than we want them to or expect them too, we wonder why this happened to such a wonderful person.  We question God's plan for them, and wonder what His plan is for us.  When will the next tragedy strike?  Which of my loved ones will be taken too soon?  Or...will it be me?

In the meantime, we hug our kids just a little bit tighter, and we keep making those memories.  Because at any moment our life as we know it can change forever.  We are not guaranteed another day, so we make the most of today.

Miss you, my friend!  You and your family have a piece of my heart!

DC

Valentine's Party

With the big snow storm that hit our area last week, school was cancelled and Ryan's class Valentine's party was postponed to today.  Because of the change in date, both Phil and I were able to be parent volunteers.  Ryan was so proud to have us there.  He told his friends that we were his parents and many of the kids commented to Ryan about their reaction to having a daddy at the party.  Apparently there have been only mommy volunteers in his class this year.

Before the party his teachers expressed to us how well Ryan is doing.  He is staying focused for the most part and they are impressed with his accomplishments.  We got to see this side of Ryan during the party.  He sat quietly while directions were being given, he waited his turn, and in general he was really calm during the party, despite all of the excitement bubbling in the room.  And during snack time the children lined up to pick out their cupcake, fruit, and pretzels.  Ryan was fine with an alternate gluten free treat rather than eating the cupcake that everyone else had.   It is not often that we get to attend school events during the day, so we were both happy that this worked out and we could be there today for Ryan.

DC

Sacraments

This weekend we celebrated two first sacraments for our children, Reconciliation and Baptism.  On Saturday Ryan completed his First Penance.  It was a nice ceremony and we were proud of Ryan.  He had spent weeks preparing both in religion class as well as home.  He memorized all of the prayers that he needed to know and the words that he needed to say to the priest.  Phil has been taking him to church each Sunday and he is learning the parts of the mass and how to behave appropriately in church.

Handsome boy!  Look at Jack peeking around the back.  Little did we know that he would wake up the next morning with pink eye and miss Emma's Baptism and celebration.

Saying his prayers after speaking with the priest.

Hanging his name leaf on the forgiveness tree.

Ryan's "fake" smile.  He was very uncomfortable standing up on the altar in front of everyone.

On Sunday we celebrated Emma's Christening together with my nephew Luke.  It was a beautiful ceremony and a nice celebration afterwards with our family.  Ryan spent most of the time in church sulking with his coat on.  Afterwards he told us that he was upset that he was wearing a tie and none of the other children were wearing a tie.  Luckily he perked up at the party and enjoyed the day!

DC

Big Accomplishments All Around!

So the Campbell kids have had some big accomplishments this week!  It started off with some big changes in Ryan's eagerness to take on more responsibility.  He is more willing to help take care of Jack and keep him occupied while I am busy with Emma.  He usually fights us on this and complains when we ask him to play with his little brother.  Another thing we usually have to prod him about is his homework, but lately he has been coming home from school and initiating the process all on his own! While he still fights us on the weekends to do homework, he has been great about getting it done Monday through Thursday.  And his hard work is paying off, coming home with a 104 on his Science test!

Ryan makes his First Penance next weekend and he easily memorized The Act of Contrition prayer.  We repeated it several times a day, learning one line at a time and adding a new line each day.  He really has a fantastic memory!  And yesterday he woke up and without any directives he prepared his own breakfast and dose of medicine.  This is a big deal because it usually takes a lot of nagging by me in the morning to get him going.  He is usually so bouncy and unfocused when he wakes up.  Also, Ryan lost another tooth the other day and at his dental checkup yesterday he allowed the dentist to complete the fluoride treatment on his teeth, which in the past he has resisted.  And no cavities this time!  He continues to be creative as ever in the drawing department and his creativity flowed over into the toy department two days ago.  He took a number of Jack's toys and created a city street in the middle of our family room.

Julia came home from dance class with a 2nd place medal for a competition she was in last week.  She continues to excel in so many areas of her life and we are proud of her.  She wears her heart on her sleeve so we do need to be careful with how quickly her feelings get hurt.  But she has a big heart!  I have not had the chance to post in the past month but I want to share her latest "do good" deed which she will be working on all year.

Our little philanthropist!

Our "little" Jack turned 18 months last week.  He weighed in at 31 pounds 3 ounces, and is 34.25 inches long!  He is over the 95th percentile in both of these areas.  As big as that sounds, and as big as he looks, at 18 months Ryan weighed 5 pounds more and was 2 inches taller than Jack!  We have big kids!  Anyways, Jack's big accomplishment occurred last night.  He went pee pee on the potty for the first time!  He was so proud of himself and clapped his hands each time we praised him.  This accomplishment is credited to Phil.  He usually gives him his bath and for quite some time he has been placing Jack on the potty before bath time and last night he performed.

Jack loves to look through books!

And Miss Emma!  Just when I thought I wouldn't have anything exciting to share about Emma, she sleeps an 8 hour stretch through the night!  This is a BIG deal considering her nights these first two and half months of her life have consisted of 2-3 hour stretches of sleep and staying awake 2 hours between those stretches.  I am truly exhausted and could use a few nights in a row of her sleeping some long stretches!  Her latest development is discovering herself in the mirror.  She gets so excited to see a baby looking back at her and she begins to coo and laugh.  She is growing leaps and bounds and we are so excited for next weekend when we will celebrate her Christening!

Happy Emma!

Here's hoping there is more sleep in her near future (and mine!)

DC

Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from our family to yours!

Does it Make a Difference?

Does the medicine make a difference?  Ryan has had a great school year.  His teachers send home good reports and when we speak with them about the difficulties he is having at home after school and with his homework, they say that they do not see any of that behavior in school.  Well, until today.

I forgot to give Ryan his medicine this morning.  When I realized this, it was already close to 8:30 and the bus was about to come.  I could have quickly administered it to him but then I thought it might be too close in time to the dose he would be getting at school during lunchtime, so I opted to skip it.  I remember thinking to myself, "He is usually wonderful at school; he will be so busy with activities and school work all morning that he'll be fine without it."  Boy was I wrong!

Here is the note I received from his teacher today:

Ryan had a tough morning.  He was calling out, not following directions, and refused to flip his card.  We encouraged him to earn it back but unfortunately it continued in a negative way.  Ryan continued to call out, called another student a tattle tale, then threw his highlighter.  Ryan refused to apologize or flip his card.  The principal came and spoke to Ryan.  Ryan still refused to apologize.  I finally said he could not go to lunch unless he apologized- that worked.  Ryan did have a better afternoon and earned his card flipped back.

DC

Happy for his sister!

Ryan and Julia came off of the bus today filled with excitement.  Julia said that she was chosen as the Citizen of the Month for her class.  Ryan ran up to her, explained that he heard her name on the announcements at school, gave her a hug and said, "I'm so proud of you, Julia!"  I am extremely proud of Julia, and Ryan, too.  It is wonderful that he can be happy for her and not jealous that she gets to experience things that he does not.  While he doesn't show signs of jealousy, I do think it hurts him at times.  Like with soccer, for instance.  Julia often scores multiple goals each game.  When they return home from their games Ryan will say something like, "Julia scored 5 goals but I didn't score any because I'm not very good at soccer."  It hurts me to see him display these feelings of inferiority.  Phil and I do try to encourage Ryan to try different things so that he can see what he is good at, but he doesn't want to and seems content.

He may go through all of elementary school never being chosen as Citizen of the Month for his class, and Julia may get the honor multiple times.  It doesn't mean that Ryan isn't trying as hard as she is.  He may have a wonderful year with lots of academic and social successes and improvements, and still not be chosen.  I think it is difficult for teachers to truly empathize with a special needs child without a personal connection.  They don't know the struggles Ryan goes through.  They see him at his best (thanks to medication) and do not get to experience the "downs" to realize how special and precious the "ups" are.  In all fairness, his teachers this year (and last year) have praised Ryan in other ways.  There are reward systems in place in the classroom and Ryan comes home beaming about being recognized for achieving certain levels.  He receives a lot of positive feedback from his teachers when he does what he is asked to do.  And maybe one day Ryan will go above and beyond and get special recognition.  In the meantime, he continues to strive for perfect attendance because he really likes to get that certificate at the end of the year!

Fall 2013 School Picture

Fall 2013 School Picture

Julia with her certificate and ribbon award.

 DC

Keep Smiling!

Ryan is acting up.  It began on Friday when he got off of the bus and the driver said that he hit another boy and the principal had to be called onto the bus to take care of the situation before the bus could leave the school parking lot.  Apparently he was climbing on a seat and the bus driver told him to sit down and Ryan lost it.  He doesn't like to be told what to do and couldn't control his emotions.  This incident started a weekend full of protests from him causing him to whine, yell, and scream at us whenever he was asked to do something or given a directive.  Completing homework was a disaster.  There were also several meltdowns and crying fits when he couldn't do something he wanted to do.  His worst crying session came about after he tried to build something with his Legos and it wouldn't stay together properly because one section had too many pieces on it and weighed that section down.  He screamed at us each time it broke off. Phil attempted numerous times to help him redesign that section but he refused to let him help.  

There were a couple of positive moments that shined through this gloomy weekend that was mostly a set back for Ryan.  They happened Saturday afternoon.  We had family visiting for a few hours to meet Emma, and Ryan played a board game with a couple of my cousins.  He loved playing with the big kids and had a ball.  He was not a sore loser, and didn't get annoyed when Jack kept interrupting the game.  Then when they left he went to his last soccer game.  He played goalie for the first quarter of the game.  He has never played goalie during a game before.  Since he is afraid of the ball it worries us that he will not be able to block any of the shots and then get really upset with himself.  But Phil said he did great!  He blocked about 4 or 5 shots and the other team did not score against them while he was in goal.  He was very excited when he returned home, both about being goalie and that they won their last game.  

I'm not sure where this erratic behavior is coming from.  He goes from being really sweet and happy to angry and resentful.  Maybe he is looking for attention now that Emma is here.  But at the same time Ryan is loving having Emma around.  Even after 45 minutes of homework hardship completing a worksheet that should have taken him 10 minutes max, he grabbed a book and went and read it to Emma tonight.  He really does adore her.  It is Phil and I that he is not happy with right now.  He is testing us to see what he can get away with.  We were caught off guard with this sudden change in behavior after him having two great months, and we're losing our patience.  We have to rethink our strategies and find some new tricks that will work with him.  We just have to.  Especially now with four children.  

Tonight was not pretty.  Homework, dinner, 2 hours of Irish Dance class, cleaning up a room full of toys spewed all over the floor, preparing lunches for tomorrow, and all four kids needing baths/showers.  We got it done, but I'll say it again, it was not pretty.  There was a lot of screaming, crying, and impatient behavior, sadly mostly on my part.  But we got it done.  We got it done.  Here's hoping that it just gets easier from here and we can learn from our mistakes and move forward to do better next time.  And maybe we (mostly me) need to let go a little.  It's okay if we don't get it all done every day.  In the end it is these smiling faces that matter the most!

DC

Baby Emma Has Arrived!

We are happy to share that our family welcomed a new addition last week.  Emma Jeanne Campbell was born on November 6, 2013 at 2:51 p.m.  She weighed 9 pounds, 5.5 ounces, and was 21 inches long.  We never thought we would have a baby larger than Ryan, but then came Emma!

I'll spare you all of the details about the birth and my last month of pregnancy and the complications making it necessary for me to be induced because Emma wasn't coming on her own.  Let's skip right to the pictures of our new angel...

One day old... so alert and adorable!

First picture with mommy

First picture with daddy

My four angels!

Emma's first day home.

Ryan and Julia absolutely adore Emma and shower her with kisses.  Their teachers said that they proudly showed their classmates a picture of her the day after she was born and have been very excited about having a baby sister.  Jack is very intrigued with this new little person who has taken over some of the space and objects he once knew as his own.  We're doing our best to keep all of the children happy but that isn't always the end result.  On my third day home from the hospital I found Ryan crying on the couch and when I asked him what was wrong he said that nobody in the family loved him and that everyone just loves Jack and Emma.  It broke my heart.  We have seen him a bit defiant these past few days, probably seeking attention from us, and I hope this change in his behavior is short-lived as my energy is already so drained.

We're taking one day at a time as we learn how to make it work as a family of six.  This is all so new and the change from 3 to 4 kids, especially with Jack being so young, has been a challenge.  I know it will get better but I think it will get harder before it gets better and we'll go through a learning curve these next couple of months.  I'm not looking forward to the sleep deprivation, but it is a small sacrifice for a lifetime of loving Emma.

Stepping back to a week before Emma was born, here are some other pictures of the kids.

Our Star Wars clan

Celebrating nonna's birthday

Jack moved up to the toddler room at his day care

DC