Week 143

Two years ago today we lost Baby Campbell #3.  A lot has happened since then and as difficult of an experience as it was, without it Jack wouldn't be in our lives.  We were too busy today to dwell and be sad, and it is embarrassing to say that I only paused for a moment to look at the ultrasound and remember.

This week Ryan began to take cod liver oil again, as encouraged by our visit to Dr. Cowan.  We are pleased with the ease Phil was able to administer this to Ryan.  Ryan remembered taking it a year ago, and as unpleasant as it is to drink, he is taking it well and the process is over within a minute.  I think back to when we first needed to give this to Ryan and how long it took, and how many shirts he ruined because the oil dribbling out of his mouth stained them.

We attended a birthday party over the weekend and I want to share a sweet story regarding Ryan, a two year old girl, and the pinata.  Numerous times Ryan has been the one at the party that struggles gathering candy and prizes from the pinata.  There are usually bigger and faster kids who push their way to the center and hog the candy.  Ryan often ends up feeling defeated, walking away with a couple of things, crying.  This party was different.  A majority of the kids were very young so Ryan had no trouble gathering loot.  But there were a lot of kids and just behind Ryan was a two year old girl crying because she felt defeated.  Ryan turned to her and took all of the candy that he had gathered in his fist and handed it to her.  She looked at him and continued to cry, not taking the candy from his hands.  So he placed it down in front of her feet so that she could pick it up herself.  I couldn't have been more proud of him!

Ryan with his balloon sword.

Julia after her visit to the face painting station!

 There are times when Ryan refuses to do homework.  It takes a lot to get him to sit down and do more writing, after a long day at school.  This week he surprised us by doing an hour worth of homework.  He read the book, "Are You My Mother?".  After reading a few pages I looked at how many pages there were and asked him if he wanted me to finish it for him.  But he said no.  He wanted to read the whole thing.  It took him 30 minutes but he did it.  I was worried about it taking that long because he then had to write a book report but he did that as well.  He seems to enjoy reading when he knows the words, or when there are only a couple of words he needs help with.  We were so proud of him.

Happy Jack enjoying a day at home with mommy.

I tried out a new pancake mix and was pleased with how fluffy they turned out. However, like the others, after being refrigerated they tend to get crumbly.  But Ryan doesn't seem to mind, as long as they have his mini chocolate chips in them!

I mixed Ryan's chocolate flavored almond milk in to some of the batter to make chocolate chocolate chip pancakes and they were yummy.  I enjoyed them, as well as Julia, who can immediately taste the difference when I try to sneak something GF into her diet.

I read a book this week called Love Anthony by Lisa Genova.  I've had it since September and finally took the time to read it, and am so glad I did.  A big thank you to my friend Bridget who works in the book selling business.  She knows me well enough to know I would like it, and generously surprised me with it when she came for a visit to meet Jack.  I think part of me had put off reading it because I knew it would be sad, and it was.  Not sad because the boy dies, but sad because of the reality of how many children are on the Autism Spectrum, and are misunderstood.  But it was more inspiring than sad.  It reminded me of how far Ryan has come over the past couple of years, blessed that he is verbal, and thankful that he is who he is.  Also, it makes me want to visit Nantucket one day!

Here is the summary written on the back cover:

Olivia Donatelli's dream of a "normal" life shattered where her son, Anthony, was diagnosed with autism at age three.  Understanding the world from his perspective felt bewildering, nearly impossible.  He didn't speak.  He hated to be touched.  He almost never made eye contact.  And just as Olivia was starting to realize that happiness and autism could coexist, Anthony died.  Now she's alone in a cottage on Nantucket, separated from her husband, desperate to understand the meaning of her sons' short life, when a chance encounter with another woman facing irreparable loss brings Anthony alive again for Olivia in a most unexpected way.  In a piercing story about motherhood, autism, and love, Lisa Genova offers us two unforgettable women on the verge of change who discover the small but exuberant voice that helps them both find the answers they need.

This story is so much more than simply autism, and even marriage, and I recommend it to everyone.  You don't need to have a child with autism or be married to connect with this book.  It is about communication, and we all communicate in some way.  I don't want to say much more since I feel the back cover already gives so many "spoilers".  Who wants to borrow it first???

DC

Week 39

Ryan's Smile Shines Through the Darkness

Through daddy's eyes:

What can you say to someone that has lost a child?  I have asked myself this question too many times in my career as I have gone to hospitals and funerals for students that I have lost over the years.  The look in a parent's eyes is heart wrenching.  Now that I have lost a baby I know that there is nothing that you can say to help.  Granted our child was never born but the sense of loss is still felt.   

I really admire Dawn for all that she went through and for what she will go through.  I have to remind myself that we have two beautiful children and we have been very blessed with people in our life who dropped everything to help us.  Our family and co-workers really stepped in and made a very trying time much eaiser to bear.  I really do not know how people go through this over and over again in the hopes that they will be able to carry one to term.

As for Ryan and Julia they were so excited that Dawn was having a baby.  They were convinced that Dawn was having a boy AND a girl.  As the week progressed Ryan noticed that something was wrong and would ask Dawn if she was feeling better today.  When she would reply, "No, not today", he would reply, "Okay, maybe tomorrow" and run off.  The day of the miscarrage, Ryan came right home and curled up with Dawn on the couch.  We did not tell them but he somehow knew something was wrong and just wanted to be near his Mommy. 

Each day will get a little better and Ryan and Julia will always be a great way to forget the loss for a little while.  But we are now part of a group of people who understand a loss so profound that there are no words of comfort.   

PC

Through mommy's eyes:

I don't know how I would have made it through this week without the support of my amazing husband, our family and friends, and especially Ryan's love.  There were days Ryan would curl up on the couch with me and snuggle.  And not a day went by without him asking me if I was feeling better.  He was so concerned that I wasn't feeling well; he's my sensitive child.  I actually felt guilty letting him see me in physical and emotional pain.  And he was such a good boy; so well behaved, so cheerful, so loving!

Both Ryan and Julia were very excited about the baby.  They would put their ears to my belly to hear if the baby was laughing or crying, and they would sing it songs.  They were convinced that I was having a boy AND a girl, and would ask if they could feed the babies applesauce.  I hope one day soon we can tell them again that they are going to have a little brother or sister.  Until then we will remain hopeful, just as hopeful as we were all week.  Despite warnings from the doctors and reports that the baby's heart was beating slow, we never lost hope.  Just moments before I miscarried I was teaching my students and looking forward to the ultrasound in the afternoon, thinking that I was going to hear that the heart rate miraculously increased.  A part of me was in denial! 

I have a newfound respect for the women who have been through a similar loss, and for the couples who endure so much to have a child.  And in the midst of everything, I still feel so blessed for everything that we do have. 

DC